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May your belly never grumble,
May your heart never ache.
May your horse never stumble,
May your cinch never break.
- cowboy blessing
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Lessons from Your Horse...
- When you're tense, let me teach
you there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW!
- When you're short-tempered, let
me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before
you catch me.
- When you're shortsighted, let me
teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I'm
hiding.
- When you're quick to react, let
me teach you that herbivores kick much faster than omnivores.
- When you're worried, let me
entertain you with my mystery lameness.
- When you feel superior, let me
teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
- When you're self-absorbed, let
me teach you to pay attention! (I told you about those lions
in the woods!)
- When you're arrogant, let me
teach you what 1,200 pounds of a yahoo-let's-GO!
speed-event-horse can do when siutably inspired.
- When you're lonely, let me be
your companion. Let's do lunch. Also breakfast, dinner and
snacks.
- When you're tired, don't forget
the 600 pounds of grain that needs need to be unloaded.
- When you're feeling finacially
secure, let me teach you the meaning of "veterinary services,
additional."
- via the internet; author
unknown
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When buying your horse
(what the
ads really mean)...
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SHOWN SPARINGLY- Only when
we had the judge in our pocket.
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SHOW PROSPECT- Four legs,
two eyes, two ears, a mane, and a tail.
-
PLACED IN FIVE SHOWS - and
89 others did nothing.
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WON IN HEAVY COMPETITION -
three horses in the maiden class.
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LOTS OF PIZAZZ- Hasn't been
out of his stall for three days.
-
LIMITED SHOWING- Owner
broke.
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TERRIFIC ANGULATION- Cow
hocked and sickle hocked.
-
PERSONALITY PLUS- Might
wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
-
GOOD BITE- Missed the judge
but got the steward.
-
EXCELS IN MOVEMENT- When
she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.
-
THREE GOOD GAITS- and four
or five others we can't name.
-
HANDLED EXCLUSIVELY BY- no
one else can get near him.
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AT STUD TO APPROVED MARES-
Those in season.
-
TERRIFIC PEDIGREE- Old
champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.
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GOOD BROODMARE- Don't dare
try to show in the ring.
-
LOTS OF DRIVE- Untrainable.
-
GREAT STALLION PROSPECT-
Will mate with anything from the neighbor's cow on up.
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Dressage Prospect: Horse
won’t jump.
-
Jumper prospect: Horse’s
brain is too fried for the hunter division.
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Hates to touch fences: Over
jumps everything.
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Preliminary jumper:
Horse’s brain is fried and he is unsound.
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Bomb proof: Horse is so
lazy no one can get him out of a walk.
-
Training Level Dressage:
Green broke.
-
First Level Dressage: Did a
leg yield once.
-
Second Level Dressage: Did
a shoulder-in once.
-
Third Level Dressage: Did a
half-pass once.
-
Fourth Level Dressage: Can
do flying changes sometimes.
-
FEI Dressage: Horse
accidentally did four steps of piaffe when freaking at a
mailbox.
-
Ribbon Winner at DAD:
Placed tenth out of ten in a breeding class.
-
Schoolmaster: Horse is too
crocked up to compete any more except on illegal drugs.
-
Loads: He’ll go on the
trailer if someone stands behind him with a whip.
-
Safe for a beginner: See
Bomb proof
-
Intermediate level rider:
Not bomb proof, but no talent either.
-
Needs experienced rider:
Really screwed up.
-
Ride for a professional:
Don’t answer this ad.
-
Brood mare prospect: Female
and hopelessly lame.
-
Bargain price: A little bit
lame.
-
Clean legs: No lumps but
very crooked.
-
“10” Gaits: Moves well,
but “0” for rideability.
-
Green broke: Didn’t buck
off rider.
-
Backed: Did buck off rider.
-
Started under saddle: See
backed
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Spirited: Really screwed
up.
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Sensitive: Flaky and really
screwed up.
-
Could go English or
Western: Horse hasn’t had much training.
-
Won many awards: Lots of
green ribbons in local schooling shows.
-
Lots of show mileage: Never
won a ribbon.
-
Always in ribbons: Only
gone in local shows run by owner.
-
Substantial: Has feet like
dinner plates and ought to be pulling a plow.
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Weight carrier: See
substantial.
-
Can do it all: Owner has
tried everything, but never found what this horse is good
at.
-
Anybody can ride: See bomb
proof.
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Here's some definitions to some
common descriptions:
- Big Trot ~ Can't canter within a
2 mile straightaway
- Nicely Started ~ lunges, but we
don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
- Top Show Horse ~ won a reserve
championship 5 years ago at a show with unusual low
entries due to a hurricane
- Home Bred ~ knows nothing except
being raised on the front porch
- Recently Vetted ~ someone else
found something badly wrong with the horse
- Big Boned ~ good thing horse has
mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow
- Doing Courses ~ when
tranquilized to the eyeballs & lunged 6 hrs straight
before hand
- Well Mannered ~ hasn't stepped
on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
- Professionally Trained ~ hasn't
stepped, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
- Should Mature 16 hands ~
currently 13h, dam is 14.2h, sire is 15h, every horse in
pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this
horse will definitely defy his DNA and grow
- To Good Home Only ~ not really
for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth,
2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy - bye every
night, 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
- Bold ~ runaway
- Athletic ~ runaway
- Needs intermediate Rider ~
runaway
- Needs Experienced Rider ~
"dead" runaway
- Dead Quiet ~ just dead
- Started O/F ~ started
overfeeding because we can't ride
- No Vices ~ especially when he
wears his muzzle
- Light Cribber ~ we can't afford
to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw
- No Time For Him ~ he's lucky to
be fed
- Excellent Disposition ~ never
been out of his stall
- Clips, hauls, and Loads ~
Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he
hauls a$$ across the parking lot when you try to load
him
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How
do you . . ..
- To induce
labor in a mare? Take a nap.
- To cure
equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
- To cure
equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
- To get a
horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and
fill it with fresh water.
- To get a
mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
- To make
sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal
you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
- To get a
show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him
out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
- To induce
a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
- To make it
rain? Mow a field of hay.
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Sea Horse?
Subject: Soaking a Horse's Hoof
1. Get bucket or low tub, fill with warm water, add Epsom salts
until fully diluted. Get horse, place in cross ties, pick up
foot, slide bucket or low tub into place, place horse's foot
in tub.
2. Retrieve tub from corner of barn, get towel to dry off your face.
3. Refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Shorten cross ties. Pick
up horse's foot and place in tub.
4. Retrieve tub from other horse's stall, retrieve horse from his
own stall. Find bailing twine to fix broken crosstie. Wrap
towel around head to dry hair. Check rapidly bruising toe for
signs of breakage.
5. Place rocks in bottom of tub to weigh it down. Snub horse to wall
of stall, refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Pick up horse's
foot and place in tub. Hold up other front leg.
6. Pick self up off of stall floor. Find place outside where tub has
been flung. Retrieve horse from neighbor's garden, pull rocks out of
horse's water bucket, call spouse for opinion on whether or
not wrist may be broken. Explain multiple times to
emergency room staff that you did not fall off the horse.
7. Return to home, enlist spouse to hold horse, hobble hind legs,
tie up front leg, fill tub with water and salt, slide tub into
place, while pinning horse against wall.
8. Apologize to spouse as they view hoof prints across favorite
shirt. Wonder if water and Epsom salts is bad for new
wrist cast. Check out burgeoning black eye from broken
hobbles. Retrieve horse from cattle farm across the road. Share
laugh with cattle farmer about how fast horse can move on only three
legs.
9. Go to grocery store to purchase ice packs, ibuprofen, more
Epsom salts, and scotch.
10. Call a horse trainer and ask him to come over and
show you how to soak a foot. Pour self tall glass of scotch
while waiting.
NIH
bacteria WARNING!
Horse Hair: Potentially Dangerous!!
In a press release today, the National Institute of Health
has
announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance
in the hair of horses.
This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked
with the following symptoms in female humans:
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but boots
Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected
by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.
This has been a public service announcement.
Thinking
of dating a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:
Easy to Locate.- She's either off on the horse or out in
the barn.
Upholds the double standard - Smooches with the most bewhiskered
beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in
the barn.
A social butterfly - providing the party is given by another
horsey woman. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded - Won't waste money on permanents, facials,
or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist - Checks
every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner
in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous - but never leaves lipstick on your
collar, at worst, slight trace of chap stick.
Easy to outfit - No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable
little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell - Bitterly complains
about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally
oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next
to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit -
She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks
up again at the wrists
A dedicated club woman - as long as the words "horse" or
"riding" appear in its name.
Has your leisure at heart - Eliminates grass cutting by
turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts
itself into mud.
A master at multiplication - She starts with one horse,
adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget - Easily justifies spending
six hundred dollars, but cr! oaks when you blow ten on bowling.
An
Engaging conversationalist - Can rattle on endlessly about training
or breeding.
Socially aware - Knows that formal occasions call for clean
boots.
A moving force in the family - House by house, she'll get
you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
Easy to please - A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even
a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Sentimental fool - Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color
photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you
(taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Shows
her affection in unusual ways - If she pats you on the neck and
says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.
How To Interpret Classified Horse Ads:
BIG TROT: Can't canter within a two mile straightway
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually
low entries due to tornado warnings
HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for
a cow
NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle
BOLD: runaway
GOOD MOVER: runaway
ATHLETIC: runaway
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway
SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS: currently 13 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 14.3 hands,
every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but *this*
horse will defy his DNA and grow
WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a
week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over,bit, or kicked anyone
for a month
RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what
he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document 3) allow current
owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his
hooves make as he hauls butt across he parking lot when you try to load
him.
HOCK: Financial condition of all horse owners.
STALL: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on your way
to a big horse show.
A BIT: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your
favorite tack shop.
FENCE: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something
to chew on.
HORSE AUCTION: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
PINTO: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses
left unattended for two minutes.
RASP: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from one's
knuckles.
LUNGING: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner
by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
GALLOP: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
NICELY STARTED: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think
about riding him.
COLIC: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
COLT: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
EASY TO LOAD: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50 pound bag of oats, and a
tractor loader.
EASY TO CATCH: In a 10X10 stall.
EASY RIDER: Rides good in a trailer, not to be confused with "rideable".
ENDURANCE RIDER: End result when you horse spooks and runs away with
you.
HIVES: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs,
4 cats, and 1 donkey.
HOBBLES: Walking gait of a horse owner after her foot
has been stepped on by her horse.
FEED: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
DOG HOUSE: What you are in when you spend too much
money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
LIGHT CRIBBER: We can't afford to build any more
fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
THREE GAITED HORSE: A horse that 1) trips. 2) stumbles,
3) falls.
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